What is considered BDSM depends on you and your partner. For your reference, I collected BDSM forms into 4 main categories. If you need more information and/or the full BDSM Checklist, please consult with your therapist.
1. External Stimulation: Often, partners use an external stimulation to spice things up. This stimulation is not only limited to sex toys such as vibrators, or lubricants, but may also include ice cubes or hot waxing; basically, anything external that you enjoy receiving or giving. The only purpose of external stimulation is to add another sensation to your current phase of pleasure. For example, an erotic massage is one of the most prevalent external stimulations, especially when the other stimulations are added to activate other senses, such as taste (aromas), touch (hand stimulation) and smell (candles). I also added other forms of BDSM in this category which inflict consensual sexual pain, such as spanking or nipple clamps.
If any form of consensual touch is triggering (emotionally, physically or mentally), please seek therapy.
2. Control and Denial: Orgasm control and orgasm denial are the two most common control/denial BDSM subcategories. Peaking, edging or surfing are the other common names of this sexual technique you may encounter. Postponing an orgasm is a type of orgasm control and is accepted as a way of domination.
If you have difficulty achieving orgasm outside of BDSM context, please seek therapy.
3. Fantasy Play and Role Play: The key factor in this category is for you to feel comfortable in playing the role that is assigned to you either by yourself, by your partner or as a result of a mutual decision. Role play exploring is a trial and error process until you discover what turns you on. You may not feel comfortable in “animal roles”, but you may feel comfortable in “fantasy rape”. You don’t have to pretend like someone or something else to be a part of a fantasy play. I include other forms, such as outdoor sex, also in fantasy play.
If you or your partner have any past sexual traumas around sexual violence and abuse, please consult your therapist before continuing further in this category.
4.Forced and Restricted Behaviors: Sensory deprivation is a common form of a restricted type of BDSM behavior, such as blindfolding. Any restriction that limits your mobility or mobility of a part of your body may count as bondage. While forced nudity, forced dressing and forced masturbation are common, it is important to be aware of your off-limits (see my blog Safe Sex Contract). You and your partner may have different comfort levels, and it is okay to stop or decrease/increase the intensity of any of these actions when you want.
If you or your partner have difficulty in following your safe words, such as inability to stop or slow down when one of you say “stop” or “slow down”, please advise your therapist.
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