The assumptions and beliefs that you hold onto about “How a woman should act in bedroom?” form your views about your sexual self. Focusing on “how” is not helpful. This question is going to cause you to be performative – meaning that you’ll pay more close attention to what you are doing, how you are doing, your husband’s pleasure and your “ability” to satisfy him. This whole focus on your performance will turn “having sex” into an obligation or duty – another item to cross on your to-do list so you can be off the hook for a while. At the end of sex asking your partner “How was I?”, will cause you to be evaluated based on your performance and not based on your own satisfaction or pleasure. Here comes the first tip: Replace the question of “How was I?” with “What did I like?” Sex is more pleasurable when everyone focuses on their own pleasure, including you! Knowing your preferences, limits, turn ons and turn offs are empowering. Communicating through what you need and want with your husband is freeing. If you’re struggling to identify or verbalize what you enjoy/prefer in bedroom, you can seek sex therapy.
I’d like to go over some of these sexual myths below to help you to let go of the assumptions and beliefs that no longer serve your sexual self. Here are 4 myths about women & sex:
1. “Vaginal orgasm is better than clitoral orgasm”
One of the most common myths is that having an orgasm for women supposed to be about penis and vagina, or about a partner giving a woman an orgasm. While for some women this works, there are numbers of women for whom this doesn’t work very well. These women are often left feeling broken or confused, and their partners also feel confused. The idea of vaginal orgasm is better or ideal than clitoral orgasm is a myth. Whether it’s vaginal or clitoral, an orgasm is an orgasm and either one is okay. Letting go of this assumption will also help you to expand your sexual menu with your partner. When the focus is not solely on penetrative sex (the penis-vagina relationship), you can include more into your sexual intimacy such as toys, games, oral stimulation, massages, etc.
2. “We need to finish at the same time” and/or,
“Sex should stop when my husband ejaculates”
Achieving an orgasm isn’t a race – meaning that it shouldn’t matter who finishes first or not finishes at all if both of you had good time. Simultaneous orgasms are often rare and “finishing at the same time” shouldn’t be the goal if this is putting more pressure on you and your partner. Movies or TV series such as Bridgerton, often eroticize the sexual intimacy and they may depict a fictional sexually intimate scene. On these shows, you watch almost all heterosexual couples are having simultaneous orgasms and you see how this is held up as ideal. The reality is, simultaneous orgasm doesn’t happen always. Often people put a lot of pressure on themselves to have an orgasm at the same time with their partner, instead of saying, “It’s fine for us to have different experiences. Maybe I have an orgasm first or you have an orgasm first. Or maybe one of us does and one of us doesn’t. It’s all good. As long as we have good time together, it’s fine”.
Similarly, women tend to cease their pleasure once their partner is done. Often, the male ejaculation decides when to stop having sex. Keep in mind that your needs and pleasure are as important as your husband’s. It is okay to say, “I’m not there yet. Would you please continue touching me?” and/or “I feel like I can keep going a little bit more. Would you mind if I take care of myself?”– either one is okay. You can decide when you want to stop, not your husband’s orgasm.
3. “I must have an orgasm to enjoy sex”
30% of women don’t have orgasm during sex. Penis-vagina sex isn’t the only way to have an orgasm, often clitoral stimulation is needed as we discussed in myth 1. Then, there is 10% of women don’t have orgasms at all. It’s not abnormal if 10% of all women don’t have orgasms. This is a big number, it’s a lot of women! If you have an enjoyable sexual experience, you don’t have to have an orgasm at the end. Please keep in mind that orgasm doesn’t guarantee pleasure and pleasure doesn’t guarantee orgasm. Having or not having an orgasm is not what determines a satisfactory/pleasurable sex life. You can stop having sex when you get tired, get distracted, feel sleepy, disinterested, or simply you can stop when you are satisfied even though you or your partner doesn’t achieve orgasm.
4. “If we plan having sex, it isn’t sexy. Having sex should be spontaneous”
One of the most common myths is that sex is only good when it’s spontaneous – when the stars and the moon are out, you’re just in the mood and everything feels right. Aren’t we romanticizing the spontaneity of it? The fact is, if you are waiting for this right moment, you might be waiting for a long time. It’s like an author waiting for a muse to write their new book – there is an uncertainty and often uncertainty makes us feel anxious. How about an author puts themselves in the chair and make themselves to write? It’s the same with sex. Sometimes, you just need to say, “You know what, having sex is important for our relationships. So, let’s figure out how to make it happen. How can we prioritize having an intimate time?”. Studies show that couples who can communicate about when and how to be intimate, have more pleasurable sex life.
Do you hold onto some of these myths in your sex life? Schedule a session with me and let’s explore them together.