The sexual difficulties that men experience during sex is often not talked about. Just because men do not talk about their challenges with orgasm, this does not mean that they are not suffering from it. If you are a man struggling with a sexual dysfunction, the first step to overcoming it is to talk about it with your partner and with a professional.
If you are experiencing any sexual issues like delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, you may find it incredibly challenging to talk about it with your partner. Apart from your experience with big emotions like shame, guilt, and anger, it is possible that your partner is going to wonder if they play a role in your issues, and they may ask themselves, “What is wrong with me?”, as opposed to asking you “How are you feeling?” While trying to understand your body and your needs, it may be a challenge to comfort your partner. This process may be emotionally and mentally exhausting. On top of that exhaustion, it leaves you with shame and guilt, and it leaves your partner with resentment and frustration.
Let me be truly clear: Male orgasm is not just physical. The common belief is that, “Men have higher libido than women” or “Men think about having sex at least once in every five seconds” or “Men are ready to have sex as long as they are horny” are sexual myths that are hurting many relationships and sexual self-esteem in men. Achieving an orgasm is not just a voluntary activity that you can “get over with” whenever you want. Male orgasms can be as mental as female orgasms. Being turned on or even finding your partner super attractive may not be a good enough reason to have and maintain your erection, or to achieve an orgasm.
Whatever is happening outside of the bedroom is affecting inside of the bedroom, and vice versa. While your external stressors such as work-related stress or financial stress negatively impact your sexual wellbeing, your inner world such as your unhelpful thoughts, emotions and beliefs may delay or prevent you from achieving orgasm.
Prior to or during sex, just like many women, you can have these common interfering thoughts:
“Does my partner find me attractive?”
“I want a deeper connection, but I am not sure if our relationship is just based on sex.”
“Did I gain or lose weight?”
“Do we have privacy right now? I think our children are awake.”
“Am I doing this right? Is my partner enjoying right now?”
“Why am I taking so long?”
“My partner seems bored/disinterested. I better hurry and orgasm.”
“I don’t want to be a father yet, and it frustrates me that my partner wants to have a baby.”
“She said she is on birth control, but I am not sure she is taking her pills regularly. She does not want me to use condom and I am scared that she is going to get pregnant. I am not ready to be a father again”.
“My back really hurts in that position, but my partner tells me that she can only have orgasm in this position. I am just going to go with it, at least she is happy”.
“I remember one time I was told that I look like … what if my current partner thinks the same way about me?”
“I skipped lunch at work, I am tired and hungry, but I cannot tell this now.”
“I have a horrible headache, but if I tell my partner that I have a headache, my partner is going to think I’m avoiding sex.”
“I really need to use the bathroom.”
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Examples can go on and on as you can see. Whether you are suffering from performance anxiety or not, you are allowed to have these thoughts prior to having sex. You are allowed to have these thoughts during sex. Just like women, you are allowed to have a headache and/or refuse to have sex. You are allowed to be distracted, preoccupied, and lose control over your erection. You are allowed to take your time or rush to orgasm if you need to.
If you are struggling with achieving orgasms and/or struggling to communicate with your partner about your sexual needs, please contact me. Your sexual wellbeing matters!
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