Racial Gaslighting (Mass Manipulation), Self-gaslighting, and the Grey Rock Method

It’s one thing to deny and downplay one person’s lived experiences—twisting their words and reality like a spine-chilling contortionist and shoving them into a deep hole of self-doubt via gaslighting. 

It’s another thing to undermine and minimize painful experiences linked to entire racial groups. Now that’s what you call mass manipulation, rearing its ugly head in the form of racial gaslighting.

Gaslighting entails comments, questions, and even gestures that individuals who seek to assert power and control use as ammo to target and manipulate, making victims seriously question their perceptive abilities and lived experiences. Gaslighting reigns supreme beyond one-on-one relationships riddled with emotional or narcissistic abuse; when it’s used to influence folks who have been racially minoritized, it perpetuates an oppressive regime—forcing those who’ve already been dehumanized and nearly erased to fall in line, walk a straight line, and remain silent.

 Racial gaslighting is traumatizing in itself, leaving many confused and disempowered while those who run the regime remain in power, deny, deflect, and sit comfortably as the wicked weeds of systemic oppression and racial injustice continue to invade and contaminate humanity’s soil. Racial gaslighting tends to happen when folks who are racially minoritized disclose their racial trauma, confront racist behaviors, speak out against oppression and injustice, or merely engage in race-related discussions with others. Being racially gaslit also leaves folks at risk for internalized or self-gaslighting, which occurs when the gaslightee falls in line, essentially—accepts fault or adopts the reality of the person who has manipulated them. Think of self-gaslighting as confirmation that the poison has entered your bloodstream.  

Here are some examples of racial gaslighting and corresponding self-gaslighting responses, which may be either internal or spoken: 

Racial Gaslighting	Self-gaslighting
“I’m uncomfortable.”	“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Calm down.” “It’s just a joke.”	“Sorry.” “I was probably overreacting.”
“I’m not racist!” “I’m a good person.”	“They do seem really nice most of the time.”
“Are you sure they meant that?”	“Wait.” “Maybe I took it the wrong way.”

Consider these options for coping with racial gaslighting and self-gaslighting: 

• Focus on the facts vs. fiction. The racial gaslighter loves to fabricate fictional stories and make you believe them. Realize that your racial trauma is real. Prepare to draft your non-fiction narrative by listing and verbalizing to yourself everything that happened to you or even others—or as much as you can recall. Even if you don’t remember the exact spoken words, brutal behaviors, or context, know that all that matters is how you felt and continue to feel as a result of your lived experiences and racial trauma. Reflect on ways that the trauma lingers and where it sits in your body. Examine the scars—which are indicators that you, indeed, have been cut. 

• Give the grey rock method a go. The grey rock method is a staple approach for coping with abusive, oppressive people; this method is not about throwing stones or fighting gaslighting with fire, which could create an explosion. When you apply the grey rock method, you handle manipulation attempts by acting like a boring rock, giving the gaslighter your best poker face, and responding with zero emotion. Know that your outrage and grief-stricken responses could empower the gaslighter. Also, consider that the grey rock method should not be mistaken for the silent treatment, a manipulation tactic. Grey rocking is comparable to using a protective shield. 

It’s devastating to deal with racial trauma and gaslighting. Don’t doubt yourself or your needs for healing. Reach out to a licensed therapist with confidence today. Let’s make mass manipulation a thing of the past.