Trauma Markdowns and Narcissistic Abuse Fog

“If I had one dollar deposited into my savings account whenever anyone downplayed their trauma, I’d be a millionaire by now.” 

“If a stranger handed me twenty bucks every time someone contemplated whether or not their trauma ‘counts’, I’d be set for life in no time.” 

Know that there’s no such thing as a trauma club gatekeeper, and keep in mind that it’s not up to me or others to pound the gavel and decide whether or not your experience was traumatic. If anyone has the audacity to even think to decide for you, I’d think twice about disclosing any other precious details to that person. 

Remember the meaning of trauma. If we digest the broad definition, we can quickly feel full once we’re reminded that trauma refers to disturbing events that leave lasting negative imprints on one’s life and overall functioning (Shapiro, 2018). We can also feel super satisfied knowing that trauma is a subjective experience—which implies that, if you say that your experience was traumatic, then so be it. Since trauma is subjective, we can also declare that something that we’ve experienced wasn’t traumatic; however, again, the first and final words should come from ourselves versus others. Subjectivity also means that two people can survive the exact same experience and face two vastly different outcomes in terms of health and functioning; the specific card that each person is dealt depends on factors such as resilience and how that traumatic experience is stored in our memory. 

When it comes to deciphering whether or not your experience was traumatic or disturbing, here’s one rule of thumb: the experience was likely traumatic if you recall  it—whether it occurred 2 weeks or 20 years ago—and still suffer some unpleasant emotions and physical sensations (e.g. sadness and headache) vs. pleasant emotions and a relaxed body. Even if you’re completely numb after the traumatic experience, it has likely still made a significant impact. Overall, if whatever happened to you made you feel uncomfortable at the time and continues to evoke discomfort when you think back to the experience today, then it sounds like what happened to you was probably horrible. Trauma is horrible. If whatever occurred felt wrong and unhealthy, trust your gut. 

It’s not uncommon for this second-guessing trend to impact people dealing with various shades of trauma, such as those dealing with it in the form of emotional or narcissistic abuse. People flock en masse to books, blogs, podcasts, and more about narcissists daily—craving deserved validation and ready to outsmart the narcissist via self-help and psychoeducation. However, not everyone chooses to flock to therapy. 

Let’s explore two of many reasons why this pattern plays out:  

• Minimization. Everyone minimizes intermittently. Some people minimize their achievements, and some minimize their trauma—when they tell themselves that someone else has it worse, for example. Minimization is a type of cognitive distortion, which refers to the irrational thoughts that we have about ourselves, others, and certain situations; they influence how we feel and function. When it comes to our thoughts, other people significantly influence and twist them like contortionists via intentional or unintentional gaslighting, for instance. Also, sometimes we automatically minimize in an attempt to essentially avoid the harsh reality of what happened to us—by sinking deep into denial.  

• Abuse Fog. Emotional or narcissistic abuse can be overt or covert, concealed from the public eye. However, whether it’s overt or covert, it still hurts. People may not see or believe your story, but that doesn’t mean that it’s fiction. Even if you’re not ready to use the word abuse today or in the future to label what happened to you, that doesn’t mean that you haven’t been hurt or don’t deserve healing. That being said, it’s common for people to contemplate whether or not their trauma ‘counts’ when they’re stuck in the thick of dense abuse fog, which accumulates when people experience abuse or neglect that is discreet, indiscernible, dismissed, or so normalized that they’re unable to grasp the reality of what happened to them—and how abnormal it was. 

If you’ve been hurt, you deserve to heal. Whether or not you want to call your experience trauma or abuse, there’s an opportunity for you to understand your experience and be understood. Consider reaching out to collaborate with a licensed therapist today.  

References 

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures (Third). The Guilford Press.