I am frequently asked, “What happens in sex therapy?” and I appreciate your curiosity. My simple answer to this question is “We talk about your sex and sexuality”. In fact, “I ask questions and you answer, and you ask questions and I answer” is reflecting what exactly is happening in sex therapy.
Each sex therapist is different than each other based on their academic background, experiences and therapeutic approaches. I can only talk on behalf of my sessions. So, I want to clarify what happens in our sex therapy, and what kind of questions I ask you.
First, I get detailed information from you and/or your partner to build your sexual script. This process starts and develops when you are ready to talk about it, and you and your partner(s) decide when you are ready. Sexual scripting allows me to include your current, past and future beliefs, your thoughts and feelings about your sex and sexuality.
Depending on the need, we may also build a family script. This part is mostly about how your family structure and functioning affected your sexual experiences; what is learned, allowed, or prohibited when it comes to sex and sexuality within your family system while growing up.
Here, I am including the common questions that I might ask you in sex therapy sessions. Questions may vary based on your culture, religion, gender, sexual orientation and your problem description.
Please keep in mind that I don’t expect you to answer all the questions in one session. In fact, I don’t expect you to answer all the questions. Our therapy is not about my expectations of you, our therapy is about your expectations from our sessions. Answering one question may take a few sessions or in one session we can find answers to multiple questions. I highly recommend you reading just a few questions, stop reading, take a break, and continue reading when you feel ready. Also, you have every right to prefer not to address some of the topics. It is also common that some questions don’t have their answers. My only purpose with this blog is to give you a glance of our content and help you to be familiar with sex therapy. If you are a person who feels more comfortable by having an idea of what usually happens in our sessions, this section is written for you.
Enjoy and please take your time reading the questions below!
How did you learn about sex?
Who in your life most influenced your views about sexuality?
Do you have secrets as an adult?
How did you learn masturbation? What were the messages about sex and pleasure in your family? Were you ever caught during self-stimulation?
What was your first sexual experience like? What is your first memory of sexual experience?
What would you like to change about your sexual history?
At what age did you have first had orgasm? Did you know what was happening? How did you feel about it?
When did you first fall in love?
When and how did you first have a sexually related experience (touching, masturbating, oral, vaginal intercourse, anal?) Was the experience more positive or negative?
When and how many causal sexual experiences would you guess you have had? Were you sober, drinking, or doing drugs?
What did it mean not to be virgin for you?
Has your enjoyment of sex changed overtime?
What personal meaning does sex have to you know?
What turns you on when you are in solo sex? What turns you on when you are with your partner(s)?
How was the sex when you and your partner(s) first got together?
How often do you use porn and what type?
What type of sex do you want more?
Do you communicate with your partner about your sex life?
What medications do you use? How does medication use affect your sex drive?
What is good sex for you? What is bad sex for you?
What was the best/worst sexual experience you had so far and what made it best/worst?
Are you on birth control?
How do you define satisfaction?
How much do you attracted to you partner(s)?
How often do you feel like having sex?
How do you define foreplay?
What were the hidden or unspoken messages regarding sex in your family?
What was your parents’ relationship look like? How close did they appear to be? What did affection, intimacy, love between your parent look like?
What were the secrets in your family? Who knew, who didn’t know?
Did you have a family member to talk about sexual questions and activities while growing up?
How close do you come to fulfilling your family’s expectations for your gender? Have you ever tried to conform or rebel against these expectations?
Who controls money in your family?
Is one gender considered superior to the other in your family?
What are your family beliefs around masculinity/femininity, and gender roles in a marriage/relationship?
Gender & Gender Expectations
How do you define yourself as a sexual person?
Are you comfortable in your gender?
What sexual behaviors do you enjoy most/least? How do you feel about them?
Are you uncomfortable with some of the things that you do sexually or completely avoid certain sexual behaviors?
Do you feel you have to hide a part of your sexual self?
Are you content with your body? How do you feel about your genitalia?
How do you feel about your sexual thoughts / fantasies? How often do you have sexual thoughts / fantasies? About what and whom? Do you share your sexual thoughts and fantasies with anyone?
Under what circumstances do you have the most positive image of yourself in your relationships? Most negative?
Peer & Peer Expectations
Which standards do you and your peer group consider desirable and undesirable?
How is your self-image affecting your sexual expression (if you fail to attain these standards?)
Who were your idols growing up, real or fictional?
What did they model as desirable male/female/other gender qualities?
What effect did these models have on your expectations of relationships?
How your culture affected your sexual expression?